


The Adventures of Sebastain

by MoonlitPath



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Crack, Explicit Sexual Content, Gen, M/M, Memes, Multi, Sexual Content, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, cringeworthy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:00:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27822652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlitPath/pseuds/MoonlitPath
Summary: If you want to die inside read this.Make sure to understand that this is not being taken seriously and it is for my own amusement that I decided I wanted to share with you. Sit back, relax. You will either cringe on another level or wonder "What the fuck am I doing with my life." Grammatical errors and the like are being done on purpose. This is probably a mistake but what in my life is not?Also posted on Wattpad.
Relationships: Claude Faustus/Sebastian Michaelis
Comments: 7
Kudos: 15





	1. The beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Good luck to you, dear reader.

Today was a great day in the Pantomime manor. The birbs sang in the distance their favorite chirp of despacito even though it comes out in more than a hundred years, they flew on the window of Sebastain's room, who was lying in his bed in his frilly pink pajamas and snoring so loud he woke himself up.

"Oh shit." He mumbled as he sat up in his bed. He got up and went to the closet, opening it and looking through his collection of booty shorts. He finally found his suit and put it on, staring at his reflection in a small mirror he had thinking how much of a butiful bastard he was.

"GOd Damn." He slapped his own cheeks, smirking sexily as he saw the birbs out his window staring, they now played despacito 2. He puckered his lips at them, making squishy noise.

"Time to go bois." Sebastain walked to the kitchen, his daddy long legs lookin' ass making half the time to reach it. When he arrived, the stoogies were saluting him like the obedient little soldiers they were.

"Mey-rin, clean whatever the hell you want. Finnian, fix the shrubs. Baldroy, don't blow the kitchen up." He clapped loudly and they went running. Tanaka sat in the corner sipping some Red Bull, oh well, he'll fly to heaven faster. Sebastain noticed it was time to wake the BOI up, so he grabbed a croissant and plopped it on a plate, running like a maniac in the hallways. He reached the door, but the BOI popped out of nowhere and scared him. He yelled.

"STop! I could've dropped my CRooassont." Sebastain cried tears of agony, the BOI stood emotionless at the pathetic display.

"Weakling." He spat, stomping to his office in his nightwear, which was just a shirt that barely covered his backside, his two glorious moons jiggling as he strutted off.


	2. The entertainment and the need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still reading? Incredible!

"Sebastain." BOI ordered from his seat on his desk. "Give me a show."

"Yes Mah LOWD" Sebastain bowed, kissing his feet and avoiding a kick that was aimed for his pretty face. He gestured to the birbs that kept watching from the windows, stalking his every move and cheering him like a disney princess. A fat birb broke through the glass and settled on the desk by the BOI, taking out a bowler hat and propping it on its head. Another birb tossed the fancy birb a golden saxophone.

Sebastain grabbed on a pole that magically appeared in the center of the room, kicking of his shoes first, taking off his pants, his coat and his shirt, leaving him only in a special pair of Gucci booty shorts and his Louis Vuitton socks. BOI marvelled at the sight, waiting for the birb to begin the music.

The birb hacked and coughed, spitting on the floor like a right cowboah before starting to play careless whisper on the saxophone. Sebastain wiggled his body like an eel, sliding on the pole sensually and displaying his flexibility to the young BOI.

Then...

He felt an urge...

He just had to get laid.

A blush blushed on his cheeks, his eyes rolling back into his head as he climbed higher on the pole, skin turning red from the friction on the metal. BOI watched horrified as his butler-secretly-stripper attached himself to the ceiling and opened his mouth wide.

It was a mating call, like the shouts Dory from Finding Nemo directed to the whales.

The birbs were shook and they flew all over the place. Then suddenly, Claude Faustus appeared, wearing a string that held his balls precariously, his gloves and a tie around his neck. BOI averted his eyes, hiding under his desk.

"You want sum fucc?" Claude said. Sebastain stopped his call and stared in horror. "No."

"You want sum tail?" Claude said. Sebastain got off of the ceiling and stayed a distance away from him.

"I'm seeing Ben." Sebastain grumbled, remembering his lover from hell.

"Ben is a hoe." Claude deadpanned and did a backflip out of the mansion, running back to Alois, his balls flopping and slapping against his thighs, bystanders crying for mercy.


	3. Can this be reality?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are you still reading? Nevermind, this chapter is going to make you want to regret your life choices, my friend(Who read it) said so. Good luck!

After his arrival at the Trashy mansion, Claude entered through the chimney because he was no basic bitch that used the big ass double doors at the front like all those other goody two shoes motherfuckers. He was not like the other girls, he thought to himself and flicked his hair, the wig that suddenly appeared on his head not positioned well enough and flying off to the floor.

It landed in a puddle of white liquid he had not noticed was there before. At first he thought it was his load of semen from yesterday's masturbation session, but then he remembered that he was doing his business in the garden and not the dining hall.

In an instant, he fell to his knees, spreading them and feeling his balls smash onto the cold floor underneath. A lewd sound exited his lips, cheeks burning and eyes shining like what you see in hentai when the girl gets a tentacle shoved up inside her. That look of ecstacy lasted mere seconds before his features snapped back to his usual poker face, his tongue that was competing with the length of that of a giraffes slithered out from his mouth, wiggling in the white mess on the floor and tasting it thoroughly.

"Milk." He said, turning to face Hannah, who was watching the whole thing from the start but chose not to say anything because she was a rebellious hoe and did not care. She was clad only in a bikini that hid the tips of her nipples, which were wet from the milk that was constantly dripping from her big round mounds of flesh that male writers like to think are an appropriate way to describe boobs. They were perky and Claude could hear them whispering in his ear-

"The Jews faked the moonlanding..."

He gasped, scandalising words making his pecker jump and protrude in his string, his balls sagging as the resistance of the fabric gave away.

"CLAUDE!" The panicked scream of Alois was heard throughout the mansion. His butler instinct resurfaced, Hannah forgotten as he tap danced his way to Alois's bedroom, where he opened the door using his foot while doing the dab for the lolz.

Sebastain was there, still in his stripper attire, glaring fiercely at him. Claude approached without saying a word standing a tiny distance away. Alois looked between them confused, why weren't they fighting?

Claude smirked the smirkiest smirk a smirk had ever smirked. Lifting his hand with his pointer finger extended;

He did the unimaginable.

The most horrific of things.

Something more tragic than when a kid's parents die because they smoked too much weed and thought it was a good idea to drive.

He-

GASP

Bopped his nose.

Sebastain fainted on the spot, too traumatised. He wobbled at first, lanky legs trembling to keep his weight up. As he lowered himself to the floor, he caught a good glimpse of those balls he had come for. He studied each individual hair that stood on that ballsack and he did it with pride. The world went black.

As he regained consciousness only one of his eye could open. His brain detected a malfunction in the system and on its own will, his hand slapped him in the face, his eyelid popping open, now his full sight was back. He examined his surroundings, he was in an unfamiliar bedroom, on the walls were a bunch of badly photoshopped pictures of his face on the bodies of naked women. On the floor in front of them was a fleshlight, obviously not cleaned since the last time it was used, it must have been at least a few days old.

This could only mean one thing, he was in Claude's bedroom!

He jumped up from the bed, grabbing the sex toy and twirling it around like a ballerina. It squished in his hand and a few drops of still wet semen fell to the floor. Not missing the opportunity he licked it all up like it was ice-cream.

Alois walked in casually, the BOI of the Pantomime manor doing the crab walk as he made his entrance.

They did not speak a word and sat on the floor away from him.

Sebastain opened his mouth to talk, fleshlight plopping on the ground.

However, he was interrupted by the wall behind him crumbling down, debris falling all over the place, as the dust cleared, Claude was standing there, menacingly and completely naked.

"DAMN IT CLAUDE! I HAVE TO CALL THE REPAIRMAN AGAIN!" Alois yelled, BOI ate popcorn from a bowl he had pulled from his back pocket.

"Hol up-" Alois interrupts the writer, breaking the forth wall. "You're just wearing a shirt, what back pocket?"

"His butthole." Both Sebastain and Claude said simultaneously. Alois opened his trap to speak again, but out of nowhere, the author's hand slapped some flex tape on it. That's a lot of damage.

Back to the matter at hand.

Sebastain and Claude look at each other all lovey dovey.

"I changed my mind" Sebastain cries, hand on his chest, rubbing on his nipple with his pinky. "I want sum fucc."

Claude nods.

"Only if you agree that Ben is a hoe." Claude growls seductively, hips swaying to the Moto Moto song from the movie Madagascar 2, his schlong swinging from side to side limply.

"Oh, you're approaching me?" Sebastain said.

No more needed to be said, Claude pounced, his cock inflating in the likeliness of a balloon. Sebastain was thrown on his back, the fleshlight getting crushed under him and the leftover jizz smearing on his skin. He shivered in anticipation as he spread his legs 180 degrees.

Claude stood back up, stretching his muscles as if preparing to work out, before wearing some pool goggles, over his glasses. He took his stance and dived into Sebastain's hole. No, no, no. Not his dick. He went in there head first.

Sebastain's screams of outmost pleasure bounced on all the walls, Hitler could hear them from where he sat playing chess in his father's father's balls.

"Checkmate." Said Hitler, in his molecule state, cigar hanging from his lips as he won the game. The other molecule that had lost whipped out a gun and shot itself in the head; but wait, Hitler was playing by himself, only a mirror sat in front of him- What in the cinnamon toast fuck is this?!

Meanwhile, only Claude's toes could be seen as he wiggled them from Sebastain's asshole, the rest of his body was already inside, swimming into this pandora he had opened.

"You-" A wild Donald Trump appears, lips puckered much like Sebastain's hole. "Wanted to repair a wall?" He said finally.

"MHPH!" Muffled Alois, mouth still raped shut.

"Say no more, I'll build a wall!" Donald Trump said, straightening his stance and spreading his arms wide as if he was the Messiah.

"Um." Sebastain started, but he was cut short when a giant rumble resonated from his belly, and Claude, covered in explosive diarrhea was sent flying into Trump so fast he did not even have time to say 'Mexicans'.

"Ugh, really shouldn't have eaten those beans last night." Sebastain continues.

"Sebastain!" BOI stood up from his place.

"おまえはもうしんでいる" The man in question mutters. He grabs the BOI by the shoulder and swallows him, because no story's good without vore.

"GAH." Sebastain sat up in the bed he was lying in, on the opposite wall from him were those badly photoshopped pictures of him.

"Oh hell no!" He flees from the mansion, passing sonic the hedgehog with his speed. The blue creature's eyes bulged at the sight of a crushed fleshlight stuck on Sebastain's back.

"AHHHHH!!!" Sebastain sat up in the bed he was lying in, again, on the opposite wall from him were those badly photoshopped pictures of him.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?"


	4. Typical servant shenanigans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are you still reading.
> 
> Been wondering what happened to the servants? Here they are!

Mey-rin, Finnian and Baldroy sat together in the kitchen of the Pantomime manor, bottles of vodka laying around on the floor, since it was their chance to get drunk. After all, Sebastain and the BOI were at the Trashy mansion, doing whatever the hell they were supposed to be doing which definitely included business and not an acid trip.

"Guys..." Innocent Finnian said, eyes sparkling as he took a swig from another bottle, which was purposely filled with water and not alcohol because he was underage. Being the drunkest of them all, he made doe eyes for Tanaka, whose corpse was starting to rot in the corner in his true form, flies swirling around the air. The little blond did not pay any mind to them, all he saw was pretty butterflies singing a lullaby to the old man.

Baldroy and Mey-rin looked at each other, both having acknowledged that Tanaka had dropped dead sometime throughout their hanging out, right next to them. They simply did not know how to break it out to the dumb kid. And so, as they continued to stare at each other as Finnian played with his toes, an idea flashed through their minds. 

"Hey, kid-"

"We should throw a party!" Mey-rin squealed, cutting off Baldroy, who's jaw dropped in disbelief. His plan was to put Finnian to bed so he and Mey-rin could dig a hole in the garden and bury Tanaka to rest- or just use his flamethrower to burn him to crisp and place him into the sack of coal, which they used to lit the furnace Sebastain usually cooked on.

Meh, a party sounded pretty good, he shrugged.

And so the preparations began, Mey-rin had exclaimed she would go decorate and placed Baldroy in charge of the food. The younger boy just stood confused, unsure of what to do with himself. Studying how the cook took out different ingredients and placed them on the counter he came up next to him to watch. Being so drunk as he was Baldroy had forgotten about his flamethrower entirely after the Tanaka ordeal and he was legit trying to make edible things.

Remembering of the old man, he peaked at the corner, yep, the corpse was still there, a small creepy smile drawn on his face with permanent marker. 

"What the fuck is wrong with you people." He grumbled, pulling out his own marker and approaching him. He started scribbling, a strange slime the skin of the body emitted getting dragged along the tip.

Finnian could not see what he was doing, so he turned his attention to the small sandwiches Baldroy had made instead. Instantly, his artistic side came out and he turned abruptly to go catch something to add. In his haste, a conveniently placed bag of nails was pushed over and into the sandwiches, embedding themselves in the bread as if they had a mind of their own. 

"BUHU!" Baldroy laughed at whatever he was drawing on Tanaka's face, startling Finnian, who was about to reach a bottle of mayonnaise, instead, his hand grabbed at the ghost pepper sauce.

With a happy smile on his lips he completely ignored his mistake and went along with it, shaking the container so the sauce would drop into the sandwiches. As it has been established he's an absolute idiot, the cap popped open and all of its contents fell onto the food. Alarmed, Finnian looked between Baldroy and the sandwiches and just quickly spread the spicy liquid, believing that it would reduce its effect. 

Placing his sauce covered hands on his hips, he proudly stared at the lethal sandwiches. 

"Done." It was Baldroy that spoke, both males stared at the kitty nose and whiskers on the dead man's cheeks and nose, above the cadaver's wide open eyes were a thickly drawn pair of angry eyebrows. What drew Finnian in more though, was the suspiciously realistic dick that was painted on its forehead. He thought it looked kind of familiar and he went through his very short list of penises he had seen in the past, which pretty much included his own and Baldroy's all in all. 

"Oh Bard! You drew your own dick!" He blurted, eyes sparkling, hands clapping together and droplets of the sauce flying right into his eyeballs. He recoiled immediately, screaming and crying on the floor in pain. The cook simply started, processing what had just happened. 

Shrugging, he grabbed the tray of death sandwiches and made his exit, Finnian's cries carried down as he walked further and further away.

"When the fuck did he see my dick?!" Baldroy yelled flustered, dropping the food on the floor, where it fell apart and splattered on the walls. He bent over, sighing as he shook his head in disappointment, he could've fucked Finnian if he had noticed him at that time and he drooled in his dreamy state, saliva becoming one with the saucy mess of food. 

By the end when he reached the ballroom the food was practically mush on the tray. He placed it on a random table he found and spit some gunk in it, before closing one of his nostrils and blowing as much as he could from the other. A booger added to the mix for good measure.

All of the guests stared at the display awkwardly.

Oh right, the party had already started. 

He straightened up, snot hanging over his lip.

"Chef's special, enjoy." 

"Will do!" Cried the voice of Elizabeth Motherfucking-Squeaky-Toy Midford who barrelled through the guests and tossed them like bowling pins, a huge STRIKE! hanging from the ceiling.

She didn't stop- she just kept going until she fell face first into what she assured herself was the best meal she would ever eat.


End file.
